Lockdown Journal : Its Okay not to be Okay

What a few weeks it has been.  It's been a... challenge. And although I have wanted to sit down and write about it here, this new 'normal' has taken some to get used to.  Being at home, having the kids here, trying to homeschool and get my work hours in. It's been a juggle, as I'm sure you are all doing too.  

It's taken time for me to get my head around what's happening in the world.  Early in March, I had concerns at the news I was hearing but no one else seemed to be worried about it when I raised my concerns. Fast forward a few weeks and of course, everything has changed.

For a number of weeks, I was dealing with an all-consuming anxiety.  I was experiencing panic attacks, which hasn't happened for a number of years. I've spent large parts of the night wide awake thinking about would is and could happen and I was glued to the news all day, on the TV or my phone.  I would wake with a brief moment of normality in the morning before that feeling would rise up in me and I would grab my phone to check the news.

It's now four weeks on from the schools closing and some days have definitely been easier than others.   Some of those days feel as though they been filled with 48 instead of 24 hours but when I look back, the time has, on the whole, gone quick.  If it were the school holidays, I would be thinking there isn't long left now!  And I think that's where a lot of the anxiety has come from, not knowing when this will end. 

Last Thursday was a particularly rough day.  I woke up with a lot of pain, the children were bickering, winding each other up (and me!) and I was dealing with obnoxious customers.  It got to 5pm and having spent the day shouting at the kids, I poured myself a very large gin. The kids were in their bedrooms before 7 so we could all have some time apart.  

I know. I'm rambling here. The thing is, we're all in this together and now is as important a time as any, to be honest about how we are feeling.  I'm still journaling away in the background, so I thought I'd share some of what I've been writing about in my Lockdown Journal. 

I will be backdating them, the first post can be found here Lockdown Journal : 1 March 2020.




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