Lockdown Journal : Remember Me?


I only planned a few days break from writing here but it's nearly a month away and here I am.  

It's been a challenging few weeks for me. Nothing major or of significant importance but my mood has been at an all time low.  The girls are fed up of being at home and not seeing their friends and have been bickering and generally being a bit naughty. We've had E completely out of sorts, we thought she might be getting HSP again, which she had left year.  She had similar symptoms but without a rash, so I've spent a lot of time checking her legs and feet for it.  

After several days with her eating the bare minimum, I took her to A&E, thankful they were very reassuring she has improved.  A child refusing to eat, even though her stomach is rumbling, is a real concern. Especially when they won't give you a reason why.  It's something I will be keeping an eye on but a picky eating child, refusing to eat, makes for an incredibly stressful time.

I'm not entirely convinced that E hasn't been feeling a little low from being at home and not seeing friends and family.  As time has gone on, we have been seeing my in-laws, from a distance, in their garden, which both girls have enjoyed. We've also been on a couple of distanced walks with friends, which seems to have boosted their moods too.  

T was due to go back to school on 1st June.  We made a decision not to send her because E wouldn't be going back and it just didn't make sense to us, especially when everything was still so up in the air.  It also felt a bit hard sending her back when we didn't know of any of her friends in her 'bubble' and she didn't know who her teacher would be, as her teacher is pregnant and being kept away from the classroom. With all the changes, bubbles, the change in teacher, desks being separated etc, we just didn't think she would cope all that well with it.

School work has been hard. T isn't having any work set by the school now that her year is able to go back.  E is having work set, she just doesn't want to do any of it and says it is boring.  To be fair to her, the work they are doing is centered around a very boring book!  I have been trying to do some work with them both and have spoken to E's teacher who has reassured me.  They're both bright and keen to learn so I shouldn't worry too much, their mental health is far more important at the moment. Quite right too.

I'm grateful that none of us have had COVID-19.  D is still working every day but we've all managed to stay well.  I've had the odd flare-ups, mostly I've been struggling with fatigue and the general aches and pains I usually have. I'm also not sleeping well, which clearly doesn't help with the fatigue! I'm going to bed at my usual time but I am often still awake come midnight and it isn't unusual for me to see 1am wide awake and then wake up several times during the night.  The warmer weather we are now having, isn't helping etiher.

For me, the last few weeks have just felt like groundhog day. Over and over again. The monotony of always doing mealtimes, trying to juggle housework, learning and school. Desperately wanting - and needing - a few hours to myself.  I've not had the motivation to do anything. 

The last few days have been a little easier. I feel like I've spent the last few weeks in a real funk and its time to crawl out of it.  And I've felt cross with myself because before lockdown had taken started, I had made a real effort to be more positive. I was making time to journal every day, was doing affirmations and had made a vision board to help me along the way. I need to pull myself out of this funk and make time for all of those things again. Onwards and upwards.

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